Honesty? Whats that?

****DISCLAIMER**** I am sorry in advance for anyone who gets offended. I am sorry for the length as well. You're definitely not obligated to read any of my posts. But I'm glad some do :)

Well Miss Sarah wants me to be honest.. haha.. And as I type I am shaking... I don't like expressing my feelings.. haha..

But here we go

1. I get upset when I hear that marriages and the partnership has to be a certain way and that the women have to be in charge of the men and keep them in there place. I think its a mutual thing with a little more control on my part. Adam and I both have equal partnership in our marriage and I don't' control him and I never will. Of course I'd love to control him and to make him do all the chores so I don't have to do anything.. but that'd be selfish. And I'm not that way, most of the time.

2. I have a dish-phobia. I hate doing dishes with a passion. They gross me out. I guess if they were rinsed off to begin with right after we use them, I wouldn't be gagging. I make Adam do them (no not a control thing, he just knows I won't so he does them). And to be honest, we have 1 load of clean dishes in the dishwasher. Pretty much the rest of the dishes are on the counters surrounding the sink or by the computer (where Adam spends his nights of my work nights). I feel bad that I hate them and can't stand them but I swear its a disease. I can't do them. I'm trying to get over it by slowly doing it. I take the clean ones out but it stops at that.

3. I have a warped sense of self-image. Some days, I have this image in my head that I'm skinnier and prettier than I am and I feel really good about myself. Other days, I see myself in an opposite way. I see myself in our full length mirror and I just see obese fat woman. I hide behind "not caring." But I do care, I care alot. But yet, I am very lazy about the exercising and getting up and doing it.

4. I am always tired. But I figure I am always going to be tired. I like working even though I get really tired and don't get home til 4 sometimes 6 in the morning. I am not complaining and I'm not saying I'm better than anyone (cause I know I'm not). But here's the honesty - I don't like when couples are struggling or the husband is working multiple jobs or long hours and the wife is just sitting at home -granted I know some wife's are moms and I get that. But here's my problem - the wives that REFUSE to work even though they're husbands are breaking their back to make ends meet. There is a way to work it out so that you can stay home with your kids during the day and work at night. I personally will never put Cayden in a day care and I wouldn't suggest it to anyone because I want to raise my son. I don't want a stranger doing it for me or even a family member (no offense). Again, I am not saying I'm better because I'm working. Trust me I'm far from perfect. I just don't like it when wives aren't willing to help out. :) You're going to be tired the rest of your life with kids and all that why not help out.

**Off my soap box..**

5. I like watching reality shows. And not Survivor or American Idol, but shows that are BEYOND stupid (yet I like them) like The Bad Girls Club, The Real World, Tool Academy, Real Chance of Love, The Hills, The City... Yeah its pathetic but I don't care... I love the drama.. And they are just soooo funny how people act! :) ALSO I watch TV too much. All day long (except on Adam's days off), I watch TV. I wish I could say its mostly Cartoons for Cayden (and some days it is..) but most days its not. I do sit on the floor and play with Cayden (I'm not a completely bad mom). But the TV is on the whole day except for napping time.

6. I am obsessed with my hair. Most days I don't care what it looks like. But when I'm in that mood to do my hair, I have to have it perfect. I am always thinking of growing it out, then find a cute new hair cute, then finding an edgy hair cute. I love wondering what my hair would look like. This connects with the body image. If my hair looks good, I feel great!! haha..

7. I am a very Jealous person. Of course there is the usual jealousy with Adam and talking to any girls. Pathetic.. but I am also jealous of other things. For examples: I am jealous of skinny girls and the way people look and react to them. I am jealous of times when friends are doing better in life than me. I am jealous of time that I don't get to spend with my mom and dad. I am jealous of Emily for being able to go to Texas and live with Sarah. I get jealous over the stupidest things. But I can't help it. I like feeling loved and accepted.

8. My house is a mess. A pigsty if you will. I pick up Cayden's toys every couple of days but I don't see the point because he always messes them up the next day. I keep up on laundry for the most part. Our room is the messiest because its the storage for lots of stuff and it really bothers me that its messy. I always have plans to clean on my days off. But I am always tired and most days choose a nap over anything (hence the lack of posts..) One day I'll get into a routine.

9. I like to make lists. I make them all the time at work. Lists of what to do the next day, lists of things I need to get next time we go shopping, Lists of "wants" that I'd love to spend our return on, Lists of things to look up, Lists of bills that need to be paid. I also do an excel spreadsheet for every paycheck and what bills need to be paid and how much we'll have left for groceries and gas and for fun. I'm nuts!

10. I haven't been to church in a long time. I haven't read my scriptures for a while. I think I've had a hard time with both because of how I feel personally about myself. Nothing bad don't worry. I am just lazy and I feel like its hard for me. Not trying to get pity or comfort, but it is hard to go to church 1. by yourself (not blaming Adam.. its his manager's fault..) and 2. with a 15 month old. I am trying to make an effort and always will make an effort. I try to do a little better everyday. I read the Ensign and I am constantly praying. And trust me, line upon line, little by little I will be the most active person you've met. But I can't just change over night. Its a gradual process to get into the habits of reading and praying. I do have a VERY strong testimony of the Church and of Jesus Christ. I wouldn't care or cry every time I think about how much of a disappointment I can be or how I am not the most active. I will be better but it takes time and effort (which I am making the effort).

Being honest is hard. And I don't like being this honest. So have fun with this list because it's a rarity!!

Whoever wants to do this -- can.. :) Its kinda fun..